Author Topic: Favorite Jokes  (Read 11984 times)

Offline misfitguy

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Favorite Jokes
« on: January 04, 2007, 07:26:08 AM »
This is the place to post your favorite jokes.  I'll start it off.


A Colorful Reunion


An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline misfitguy

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Re: Favorite Jokes
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2007, 04:41:28 PM »
Never Ask a Drunk



A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline misfitguy

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Re: Favorite Jokes
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2007, 05:45:08 PM »
NTSB Experiment Results

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline misfitguy

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Re: Favorite Jokes
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2007, 05:46:45 PM »
REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE,
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID,
"THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YA MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD.
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY......
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline timberwolf

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Smart Asses
« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2009, 03:29:30 PM »
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Seniors - don't mess with them!







______________________
Edited by Sassafras
Edited to eliminate email look.
« Last Edit: January 15, 2009, 12:46:20 PM by Sassafras »
timberwolf

Offline timberwolf

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dynamite
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2009, 01:25:11 PM »
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
timberwolf

Offline timberwolf

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Little Johnny... Definite Definition
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2009, 01:30:31 PM »
The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."
timberwolf

Offline timberwolf

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Definition of Agony
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2009, 01:54:21 PM »
Agony: a one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls
timberwolf

Offline Sassafras

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Re: Definition of Agony
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2009, 03:40:52 PM »
Agony is when you find yourself in a traffic jam on the freeway in downtown Chicago and sitting next to you is an empty thermos of coffee.

There are just not enough restrooms on the freeway.

____________
Just Me

Sass


It is not for him to pride himself who loveth his own country, but rather for him who loveth the whole world. The earth is but one country, and mankind its citizens. ~~Baha'u'llah

The chief idols in the desecrated temple of mankind are none other than the triple gods of Nationalism, Racialism and Communism, at whose altars governments and peoples, whether democratic or totalitarian, at peace or at war, of the East or of the West, Christian or Islamic, are, in various forms and in different degrees, now worshiping. ~~Shoghi Effendi, The Promised Day is Come

Offline misfitguy

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Re: Favorite Jokes
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2009, 05:28:29 PM »
I'm also bumping this one.  As you decide to add a joke, use this thread.

Mick
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline Truthsayer

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Re: Favorite Jokes
« Reply #10 on: February 02, 2009, 01:08:28 AM »
Be'in from d'east coast of Canada, let me share wit' ya my favorite "newfie" joke.

Paddy invites a girl he met at a bar back to his hotel room to party. They party for a few hours then she passes out on the bed. He begins taking her pants off and notices that she has a wooden leg. Curiously, he takes the wooden leg off, takes it apart and can't get it together again. He starts freakin' out. He runs into the hallway and bumps into another Newf. "Ya gotta help me bye!" he says in desperation. "I got a girl in my room, she got a wooden leg, I took it apart and can't get it back togedder again!" Buddy says; "Ya think you got problems? I got a girl in my room wit' both legs apart and I lost the F!#*in' key!"
As God as my witness, I cannot tell a lie.  ;)

Offline Smokebender

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Re: Favorite Jokes
« Reply #11 on: February 02, 2009, 11:32:52 PM »
My all time favorrite joke is very old and takes place in a black and white movie. Here's the scene. Times are hard, very hard and two guys are walking down the sidewalk towards each other. One of these guys is Harpo. As they meet on the sidewalk the stranger in dark suit says to Harpo....

Hey buddy can you spare a dime for a cup of coffee?

At that very second Harpo pulls a hot steaming cup of coffee on a soccer, out of the front pocket of his slacks,
and hands it to the guy. Then smiles, honks his hand horn twice, and just keeps walking.
 
« Last Edit: February 02, 2009, 11:48:18 PM by Smokebender »
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Offline misfitguy

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Re: Favorite Jokes
« Reply #12 on: February 03, 2009, 05:58:46 AM »
I bought the complete set of Marx Brothers movies a few years ago.  I still watch them and laugh my butt off.  I think I catch Sassafras looking out of the corner of her eye at me.  She is still wondering what she got into when she married me, I think.  I guess she just doesn't like the Marx Brothers antics as I do.

One of my favorite Harpo scenes is at the end of one of their movies and a building has been destroyed and Harpo is leaning against this wall.  A policeman walks up to him and says, "Hey, buddy, what do you think you're doing, holding up the wall?  Move along."  Harpo steps away and the wall falls on the cop.  Harpo mugs for the camera and honks his horn.  You got to love them.
Go to www.misfitscentral.net  Why not?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

 

sir-individual