Author Topic: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!  (Read 19054 times)

Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #15 on: January 29, 2009, 08:48:08 AM »
APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING
A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH


1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
 
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
 
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
 
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
 
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
 
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to
become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
 
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.
 
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
 
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
 
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants  to buy a car.
 
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
 
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
 
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.
 
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
 
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
 
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
 
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
 
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
 
19. After 50, if you don¢t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!
 
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter  don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #16 on: January 29, 2009, 08:53:00 AM »
Puns Intended

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
     He acquired his size from too much pi.
 
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
    but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
 
3. She was only a whisky maker,
    but he loved her still.
 
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
    it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder
    and got a little behind in his work.
 
6. No matter how much you push the envelope,
    it'll still be stationery.
 
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
    Linoleum Blownapart.
 
8. Two silk worms had a race.
    They ended up in a tie.
 
9. Time flies like an arrow.
       Fruit flies like a banana.
 
10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
      The police are looking into it.
 
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
      Then it hit me.
 
13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
      When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,
      a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
 
14. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
 
 
15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
      a small medium at large.
 
16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
      a seasoned veteran.
 
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
 
18. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
      In feudalism it's your count that votes.
 
19. When cannibals ate a missionary,
      they got a taste of religion.
 
20. Don't join dangerous cults:
      Practice safe sects!

Go to www.misfitscentral.net  Why not?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah