Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing
a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake
a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats
can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the
other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the
bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage
to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine,
meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in
an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go
smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this
enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following
message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want
their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's
why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot
better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are
animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are
short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1)
eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are
easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask
to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink, (
don't want to wear your
clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10)
don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they
get pregnant, you can sell their children.
