Author Topic: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!  (Read 22043 times)

Offline Sassafras

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One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« on: January 04, 2007, 09:09:09 PM »
Mick and I mute the TV when commercials come on, but every once in a while a commercial catches our eye and we watch it, muted, of course.  The commercial was a diet medicine.  The slogan was "Lose up to 30 lbs. or more".

Excuse me!?!  How can you get more than " up to 30 lbs."?
« Last Edit: January 13, 2007, 08:42:44 AM by misfitguy »


It is not for him to pride himself who loveth his own country, but rather for him who loveth the whole world. The earth is but one country, and mankind its citizens. ~~Baha'u'llah

The chief idols in the desecrated temple of mankind are none other than the triple gods of Nationalism, Racialism and Communism, at whose altars governments and peoples, whether democratic or totalitarian, at peace or at war, of the East or of the West, Christian or Islamic, are, in various forms and in different degrees, now worshiping. ~~Shoghi Effendi, The Promised Day is Come

Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2007, 08:46:55 AM »
You can't.   Good heads up.

I remember being in a flea market and seeing a vendor that had a box of fishing lures with a sign on it that said, "$1.00 each, mix or match".   It cracked me up.  Obviously if you are paying a dollar a piece, you would have the option of picking any of the items.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2007, 09:48:57 PM by Baha'i Sassafras »
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

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"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2007, 04:06:45 PM »
Here are some of my favorites

One Liners


Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Taxation with representation isn?t so hot, either.
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2007, 04:27:16 PM »

These are not really funny since they are actual quotes of one of the most powerful men in the world.  It makes you wonder who the puppeteer is that is actually running the show.

More Bush Sayings

"It'll be hard to articulate." -George W. Bush, anticipating how he'll feel upon assuming the presidency, Jan. 2001
 
"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine labor secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified." -George W. Bush, commenting on Linda Chavez, Jan. 2001

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods." -George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000

"I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them." -George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000

"I also have picked a secretary for Housing and Human Development. Mel Martinez from the state of Florida." -George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000

"If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier - so long as I'm the dictator." -George W. Bush, Dec. 19, 2000

"Dick Cheney and I do not want this nation to be in a recession. We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work.

" -George W. Bush, 60 minutes II, CBS, December 5, 2000 "The great thing about America is everybody should vote." -George W. Bush

"As far as the legal hassling and wrangling and posturing in Florida, I would suggest you talk to our team in Florida led by Jim Baker." -George W. Bush

"The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law." -George W. Bush, Nov. 2000
"They misunderestimated me." -George W. Bush, Nov. 2000

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!" -George W. Bush, Bellevue Community College, Nov. 2, 2000

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." -George W. Bush

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." -George W. Bush

"If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it." -George W. Bush, during the third presidential debate

"The idea of putting subliminable messages into ads is ridiculous." -George W. Bush

"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected." -George W. Bush

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." -George W. Bush

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -George W. Bush

"Mr. Vice President, in all due respect, it is - I'm not sure 80 percent of the people get the death tax. I know this: 100 percent will get it if I'm the president.
" -George W. Bush, during the third presidential debate, Oct. 2000

"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never interviewed her." -George W. Bush, responding to a magazine article claiming he suffered from dyslexia

"Laura and I are proud to call John and Michelle Engler our friends. I know you're proud to call him governor. What a good man the Englers are." -George W. Bush, Nov. 2000

"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas." -George W. Bush, Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." -George W. Bush, in a CNN online chat, Aug. 2000

"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.'' -George W. Bush

"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read - I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do." -George W. Bush, on MSNBC's "Hardball"

"The fact that he relies on facts - says things that are not factual - are going to undermine his campaign." -George W. Bush on Al Gore

"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating." -George W. Bush

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." -George W. Bush, speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, New Hampshire

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have - he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." -George W. Bush, on Sen. John McCain

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2000

"I don't want to win? If that were the case, why the heck am I on the bus sixteen hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?" -George W. Bush, Jan. 2000

"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." -George W. Bush

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." -George W. Bush

"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" -George W. Bush

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign." -George W. Bush

"Actually, I - this may sound a little West Texas to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about - when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." -George W. Bush

"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." -George W. Bush

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." -George W. Bush, reflecting in 1994 about growing up in Midland, Texas
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

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"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2007, 04:31:37 PM »
Things I Have Learned


 I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them until they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes!

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more messed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do the kicking.

I've learned that we should not ditch our bad friends. It is their dysfunction that will make us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the really annoying ones will just never go away.

Go to www.misfitscentral.net  Why not?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #5 on: February 26, 2007, 04:43:25 PM »
Only in America

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave safe doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America..do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering..

11. Only in America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2007, 04:52:06 PM »
Good thoughts



1.  Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. 

2.  How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

3.   Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

4.   Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

5.  Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

6.  Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

7.  If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

8.  You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

9.. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

10.  Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

11.  We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some
have weird names, and all are different colors.... but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

12.  A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.












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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2007, 05:56:42 PM »


THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:


Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Go to www.misfitscentral.net  Why not?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2007, 08:03:00 AM »
These are my responses to George W. Bush's statements.  Mine will be in Blue.

More Bush Sayings

"It'll be hard to articulate." -George W. Bush, anticipating how he'll feel upon assuming the presidency, Jan. 2001As most things seem to be for Georgie.

 
"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine labor secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified." -George W. Bush, commenting on Linda Chavez, Jan. 2001  Well, thank you Mr. President for giving us some insight in the sources you use for making your important decisions.

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods." -George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000 Most people use the word "hemispheric" to refer to a part of the brain, because that is what the word means.  I am glad our president decided to share with us why he liked to use the word. Do you think he is trying to rewrite the dictionary?


"I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them." -George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000 So George thinks his real job is being a police officer.  Should somebody tell him that he was elected president, or shall we all just sit back, observe and laugh our asses off?

"I also have picked a secretary for Housing and Human Development. Mel Martinez from the state of Florida." -George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000 Hmmmm.  I wonder what a "Human Development" secretary does.  If it has something to do with breeding, I want that job.


"If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier - so long as I'm the dictator." -George W. Bush, Dec. 19, 2000 Well, George, I think one of the qualifications of being a dictator is you would have to be able to spell the word.  I guess that leaves you out.


"Dick Cheney and I do not want this nation to be in a recession. We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work.So, George, you and Dick, as the two highest placed executives in our government believe, A:  You don't like recessions, and B:  you want anybody who can find work to be able to find work, or something like that.  I think this nation is in trouble.

" -George W. Bush, 60 minutes II, CBS, December 5, 2000 "The great thing about America is everybody should vote." -George W. Bush .Psssst, George, come here.  Fire your speech writer, then look up mixed metaphor and never, ever, ever use one again.

"As far as the legal hassling and wrangling and posturing in Florida, I would suggest you talk to our team in Florida led by Jim Baker." -George W. Bush If my memory serves me correctly, Jim Baker was ahead of the team of hasslers, wranglers and posturers.  I guess there isn't anybody in a better position we could ask.


"The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law." -George W. Bush, Nov. 2000 Well, then we can just fire all those judges, because George is here. 


"They misunderestimated me." -George W. Bush, Nov. 2000 Yeah, I know.  They weren't low enough in their estimations.

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!" -George W. Bush, Bellevue Community College, Nov. 2, 2000 George, can I share something with you?  If you repeat a phrase to support the phrase you just repeated, then those people that just heard you do that will turn to each other and say, "What an idiot!" 

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush George loves those pictures.


"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." -George W. Bush Off with their heads, I say.  How could they think that.  Some sort of "federal program"?  Social Security?  Whoever thought that one up?

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." -George W. Bush HUH????

"If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it." -George W. Bush, during the third presidential debate HUH?????  HUH??????

"The idea of putting subliminable messages into ads is ridiculous." -George W. Bush HUH????? HUH????? HUH?????

"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected." -George W. Bush Have you ever seen a bunch of words together that individually you know what they mean, but together, jeese, what did he say?


"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." -George W. Bush As long as we remember to not breath when we are visiting our fishy friends in their home.


"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -George W. Bush And it is even harder to get the food off.

"Mr. Vice President, in all due respect, it is - I'm not sure 80 percent of the people get the death tax. I know this: 100 percent will get it if I'm the president." -George W. Bush, during the third presidential debate, Oct. 2000Did he just threaten to kill us all?
 

"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never interviewed her." -George W. Bush, responding to a magazine article claiming he suffered from dyslexia George's second job must be as a reporter.


"Laura and I are proud to call John and Michelle Engler our friends. I know you're proud to call him governor. What a good man the Englers are." -George W. Bush, Nov. 2000 Should that really be John and Mike?


"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas." -George W. Bush, Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000 That's it, George.  Stop those "imports" from overseas.  We need to "import" from the US, maybe?

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." -George W. Bush, in a CNN online chat, Aug. 2000 So that explains why you are the way you are. And we though it was because you were dishonest.  Our bad!


"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.'' -George W. BushYou ever notice that when George likes a word, he just uses it anychance he gets?



"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read - I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do." -George W. Bush, on MSNBC's "Hardball" So the "ideal world" is your reality?  Or you've read so therefore you are?  Or what is the sound of one hand clapping?

"The fact that he relies on facts - says things that are not factual - are going to undermine his campaign." -George W. Bush on Al Gore George can't stand those guys that tell the truth

"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating." -George W. Bush I will let George's words answer him on this one.


"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." -George W. Bush, speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, New Hampshire George says he loves his strawberry preserves.

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have - he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." -George W. Bush, on Sen. John McCain George, what did I tell you about mixed metaphors?


"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2000 After that, we're not sure who "us" is.


"I don't want to win? If that were the case, why the heck am I on the bus sixteen hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?" -George W. Bush, Jan. 2000 I hate it when I get pillared by anybody.


"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2000 Terriers can be a problem, but those "bariffs", oh boy, they're the real rascals to watch out for.

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." -George W. Bush I understand Georgette looks marvelous in an evening gown.


"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." -George W. Bush Spoken like the top executive of the most powerful nation in the world......NOT!


"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" -George W. Bush The reason the question is seldom asked is most people aren't that ignorant.


"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign." -George W. Bush Yeah buddy.  I'm getting sick of those principles.

"Actually, I - this may sound a little West Texas to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about - when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." -George W. Bush That's not West Texas, George.  That's self-centered, narcissitic and, maybe, just stupid sounding.

"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." -George W. Bush Yeah, like about 1500 miles closer.

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." -George W. Bush, reflecting in 1994 about growing up in Midland, Texas So is this a Jack Daniel memory?

« Last Edit: April 21, 2007, 06:36:57 AM by misfitguy »
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Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #9 on: March 09, 2007, 08:55:45 AM »
Yogi Berra Quotes 


  • "This is like deja vu all over again."
  • "You can observe a lot just by watching."
  • "He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
  • "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.
  • "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
  • "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
  • "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
  • "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
  • "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
  • "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
  • "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
  • "Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
  • "It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."
  • "Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
  • "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
  • "It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.
  • "Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.
  • Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
  • "Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.
  • "I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
  • "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
  • "You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."
  • "90% of the putts that are short don't go in."
  • "I made a wrong mistake."
  • "Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.
  • "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.
  • "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
  • "Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."
  • "If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."
  • "Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
  • "It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."
  • "How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."
  • "I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.
  • "The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
  • "He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.
  • "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
  • "It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
  • "You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
  • "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
  • "I didn't really say everything I said."
  • ?If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer.?
  • ?The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands.?
  • ?The future ain't what it used to be.?
  • ?Pair up in threes.?
  • ?I wish I had an answer to that, because I'm tired of answering that question.?
  • ?I knew exactly where it was, I just couldn't find it.?
  • ?I don't remember leaving, so I guess we didn't go.?
  • ?I really liked it. Even the music was good. (When asked if he liked the opera one evening.)?
  • ?Shut up and talk.?
  • ?Even Napoleon had his Watergate.?
  • ?He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious.?
  • ?It ain't over till it's over.?



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Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #10 on: June 12, 2007, 06:37:54 PM »
This was sent to me by a friend in California.  Thank you Marc.

ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS FROM REAL HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT ESSAYS:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
 
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
 
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame - Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

29. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

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Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #11 on: October 18, 2007, 07:41:00 AM »
When You're Feeling Stupid, Read This


-- (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.


"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore, Vice President

And?? We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Al Gore, VP

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"
--Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


 
Go to www.misfitscentral.net  Why not?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

Offline User Name

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #12 on: April 11, 2008, 02:31:55 PM »
 d(BD)b

Offline Smokebender

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #13 on: January 10, 2009, 09:39:27 PM »
I love this thread.   d(BD)b
The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!
We are the ones we've been waiting for.
A Hopi elder speaks.

http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/michiganbigfootgroup/  Just click it now! Then get back here right away or I'm tellin Mom.

Offline misfitguy

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Re: One Liners... Funny, Funny, Funny!
« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2009, 07:07:42 AM »
I love this thread.   d(BD)b
___________

Yeah, me too.  There is a saying that goes, "If one doesn't have a sense of humor, then one probably doesn't have any sense at all.  Please add to it.
Go to www.misfitscentral.net  Why not?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~Groucho Marx

"The world is one country and mankind is its citizens..."  Baha'u'llah

 

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